


I Don't Love You, But I Always Will

by sleepyfaceandsnark (teamwinchesterbros)



Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: Adultery, Angst, Cheating, Gallavich, Hurt, M/M, Multichapter, prompted
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-06
Updated: 2014-11-06
Packaged: 2018-02-03 16:20:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 11,475
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1750952
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/teamwinchesterbros/pseuds/sleepyfaceandsnark
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mickey catches Ian with another man. (based on an anon's prompt)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I Am Human and I Will Let You Down

Mickey comes in the hospital for his second visit this week a little earlier than he usually does. He goes to the receptionist’s desk and she greets him by name and tells him that Ian’s schedule is free for today so he’ll probably find him in his room or the recreation room. Mickey figures Ian would be in his room since he admitted to Mickey he didn’t really like socializing with the other patients. He just wanted to “do his therapy and get the fuck out of here” as he put it. The security guard leads him to Ian’s room and Mickey gives a polite nod of thanks before opening it.

He sees a man, blonde hair, laying down and moaning like a fucking idiot. Mickey at first thinks the dude’s just jacking off when he sees a head peak out from under the excess amounts of sheets and pillows covering the guy. Red hair flashes in front of Mickey’s eyes.

No.

No.

That can’t be.

There’s got to be some other redheaded fuck in this shithole that was using Ian’s room to fuck this blonde dude. But the redhead sits ups straighter and that back looks too familiar. Mickey recalls tracing the spine with his own fingers. The redhead laughs and that laugh is too much of a comfort to Mickey for it to be someone else’s.

The redhead bends his head down, his lips clashing with the blonde’s. The blonde pulls away and opens his eyes, he brings the redhead’s face down to his neck letting the redhead suck on it. The blonde’s eyes dart to Mickey’s direction.

“Oh shit!” The blonde man says laughing, pushing the redhead up to make him stop. “Ian”

“What?” Ian says sitting up smiling and looking behind him. His smile quickly falls and his eyes go wide as he sees Mickey. Mickey stands there still, body unable to move. He starts shaking with anger or betrayal…both.

“Fuck! Fuck, Mickey. Shit.” Ian quickly jumps off the blonde, wiping away at his mouth. He runs his hand on the back of his head. “This uhh…this isn’t.”

“It’s not what it looks like? You’re seriously about to fucking say to me ‘it’s not what it looks like’?”

“Mick…”

Mickey walks out of the room quickly, covering his mouth, and shaking his head. This isn’t…this…this can’t be. He was imaging this. It was some fucking nightmare he’d wake up from. Right now would be good. He’s making his way to the rec room temporarily losing his mind as to how to leave the fucking place. He hears a voice behind him calling his name. Luckily the rec room is vacant. Probably being reserved in case guests wanted to do activities with one of the patients or some shit. Ian had lovingly commented once that he was one of the only ones that got visitors.

“Mickey wait.” Ian calls, running to catch up to Mickey.

“Jesus Christ, Ian! What the fuck?” Mickey yells.

Ian looks down to the floor, ashamed.  _Good_. Mickey thinks. “I know…”

“No! What the fuck are you doing?”  
“I’m…I’m sorry.”

“You’re sorry?”

“You told me you were coming tomorrow.”

Mickey laughs bitterly. “So wait. Are you sorry you were doing it or sorry you got caught?”

Ian looks away.

“Ian!”

“I don’t know…”

Mickey wipes his lips with his hand. “I can’t fucking believe this.”

Ian is silent.

“How many?”

“Wh-What?”

“How many times did you fuck him?”

Ian still can’t look at Mickey. It takes him awhile to get it out. “S-Six or Seven”

Mickey repeats the numbers. “So-so what? You uh you want him now?”

Ian looks at Mickey like he just said something insane. “No. No I don’t fucking want him now.” Ian says angrily.

“You getting mad at  _me_  now?” Mickey asks raising his voice.

Ian breathes in sharply looking down at the floor again and then back at Mickey. “I made a fucking mistake,” Mickey rolls his eyes and Ian searches his eyes. “I think you can allow me that.”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

“With how many times  _you_ fucked up?

“ _Excuse me?”_ Mickey looks at Ian offended.

“You know what I mean. How many times was I left wondering if we were a ‘thing’? If I mean  _anything_  to you?” Ian realizes he’s saying the wrong things. He’s trying to make what he did, what he’s been doing look ok. But he doesn’t back down from his response.

“So that’s your excuse?” Mickey asks.

Ian just stands there staring at Mickey, not willing himself to say anymore.

Mickey nods his head, teeth clenching. He faces Ian.

“Fuck you, Ian.” He says harshly. “Fuck you.” He shakes his head as he walks past Ian and towards the exit.

Ian stands there alone. Thinking about what just happened, what he did. He tells himself it’ll blow over. He’d ask Mickey for forgiveness or something and it’ll be okay. He tells himself this but he doesn’t believe it. Nor does he think he deserves it. “Fuck, Mickey. I’m so sorry”

Mickey walks past the receptionist who gives him a friendly goodbye. Mickey resents her and her fucking kindness. He resents the whole fucking place. The happiness he felt at seeing Ian getting increasingly better. The joy he felt at seeing Ian smile again. The bliss at hearing Ian’s plans once he gets out. His plans with Mickey. Mickey resents it all. He runs out the doors to the hospital. He runs until he reaches an alleyway connecting the hospital to another building.

Mickey Milkovich wasn’t one for crying. Didn’t do it much. Not even when his mom died. But he thinks just this once. Just this once he allows himself to break down. His body feels weak, his lungs giving up on him. He slides down the side of the building, his ass hitting the pavement. He covers his eyes with his hands and sobs.

Ian starts to feel a sense of panic. Ian wants nothing more than to follow Mickey outside, grab him forcefully, and beg on his hands and knees for him to forget what he saw. Tell him how sorry he is, how much a mistake it was, how much he loves him. But he can’t. The security guard eyes him and stands closer to the door. Ian breathes in deeply, and buries his feelings. He goes back to finish off Brad, or Troy, or whatever the fuck his name was. His face is distant, barely there as he allows the blonde to fuck him in missionary position, cumming inside him. 

 


	2. Late Night Phone Calls and Shitty Explanations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mickey gets a call late at night

Weeks pass and Mickey gets a call. He’s ignored so many since that day. Ian wasting all of his phone time trying to call him and say whatever it is that he thinks will make the situation better. Mickey hasn’t picked up one of them. His face hardens and he clears his throat to sound unaffected by the caller id.

He puts the phone to his ear and he’s the first to speak. “I don’t want you calling here anymore.”

He’s about to press the end button when he hears his name. _Goddammit. He shouldn’t have picked up._

“Please don’t hang up.”

Mickey huffs out but doesn’t say anything.

 Ian breathes in shakily. “I just wanted you to know why I did it. I wanted you to find us.”

Mickey’s grip on the phone tightens. “That’s great, Ian, really.”

“I…thought it’d be the only way for you to leave me. I didn’t want to bring you down with me. With what this…whatever it is.”

“So you just left that for you to decide then, huh?”

“Mickey please. I-”

“You can’t blame everything on your fucking manic depressive shit, Ian!”

“Mickey it was a mistake"

“Don’t call me anymore. Please? I can’t- Just don’t.” Mickey hangs up and sits on the edge of his bed in silence. “Fuck!” He yells out suddenly, slamming his phone against the wall.

Mickey wanted so goddamn badly to call Ian back up and tell him how he loved him and missed him. Tell him how they could just forget about the blonde boy whose lips grazed Ian’s like Mickey’s once had. But he couldn’t. He gets up and cleans the broken pieces of his phone, placing them on the desk to fix later.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the nice compliments on the first chapter. I'll post the 3rd chapter in the morning


	3. Sibling Bonding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mickey and Mandy talk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally I wasn't going to add this but was convinced to do so.

_**Sibling Bonding** _

> “Hey shithead,” Mandy greets Mickey one morning, enjoying a bowl of cereal. Mickey just nods at her as he goes into the fridge.
> 
> “Been to see Ian lately?” She asks. Mickey just takes a sip from the large jug of juice.
> 
> Mandy rolls her eyes. “Well I have.”
> 
> Mickey tries to ignore her grabbing a bowl and pouring some cereal and milk in it.
> 
> “Every time I go he tries to ask about you. Thinks I don’t notice. It’s kinda sweet” She smiles. “When is the last time you stopped by any way? The last few times he wasn’t even subtle in asking about you, “ She looks at Mickey. 
> 
> Mickey is still staring at his full bowl of cereal that has gone slightly soggy. He pours it down the drain suddenly not feeling hungry.
> 
> “He actually looked kinda sad about it” Mandy continues.
> 
> Mickey leaves the bowl in the sink and stares at Mandy for a brief minute before leaving the kitchen.
> 
> “Mickey?” Mandy gets up and follows him. Mickey’s about to slam the door to his room in her face but she catches. He walks away from her instead. “Mickey!” she says more forcefully, clearly angry. “What the fuck? When’s the last time you saw your boyfriend?”
> 
> Mickey is silent, grabbing the day old beer on his nightstand.
> 
> “I can’t fucking believe this. Lip’s right. Ian deserves so much better.” Mandy starts to walk away.
> 
> “He didn’t tell you then?” Mickey finally says.
> 
> “What?” Mandy whips her head back around to face Mickey.
> 
> “The last time you visited, did he tell you anything? Maybe about why I wasn’t stopping by anymore?”
> 
> “No he didn’t explain to me why my fucking asshole of a brother who happens to be his goddamn boyfriend won’t see him. “ Mandy looked at Mickey, almost disgusted.
> 
> Mickey swallowed and looked up at her sadly. “Yeah well… maybe you should get the whole story before you start yelling at people.”
> 
> “What the fuck is that supposed to mean, Mickey? What as if there’s-“
> 
> “He was cheating on me.” Mickey interrupts her. Mandy stops yelling.
> 
> “What?”
> 
> “I came by a different day than I usually do and… I caught him with someone. Some blonde dude.” Mickey sits on his bed staring at his hands.
> 
> Mandy walks closer, quietly. “Are you sure it was him? I mean there could’ve been another-“
> 
> “Yes it was him. He turned around and saw me.”
> 
> Mandy is speechless. She tries to offer her brother some comfort with the touch of her hand but he moves away from it. Milkovich instinct.
> 
> “I keep trying… All I want to do is forgive him and forget about it but I,” He looks back up at Mandy, who looks at him understanding. “I just can’t. I know I should but I can’t.” Mandy moves to sit behind Mickey on the bed.
> 
> “Mickey I’m so sorry.” She gently puts her hand on his shoulder. “I’m sorry I blamed you and well called you an asshole”
> 
> Mickey’s eyes were tearing up but he laughed anyway. “Yeah well I usually am. No judgments.”
> 
> Mandy smiles at Mickey warmly.
> 
> Mickey sighs and hangs his head low. “Fuck. I miss him.” He hides his head in his chest as his hands go to the back of his head. Mandy doesn’t do anything but sit there with him. Sit with him to let him know she was there in case he wanted to talk. Sit with him to show she loves him, that she was on his side, and that she understood. They sit like that for a while until Mandy offers to buy Mickey some drinks at The Alibi. They talk about a lot of things. How Mandy was doing now that Kenyatta was out of her life, the friends she met at her job, some shit they used to do as kids that wasn’t in the category of traumatic. They talked about a lot of things and they didn’t once mention Ian.
> 
>  
> 
> Mandy still visits Ian sometimes. She hates what he did, pissed at him because of it but he’s still her best friend. Her first visit after finding out she was pretty forward to Ian about how she felt. Ian tried to explain but Mandy said she’d only continue to visit if they didn’t talk about it. Mandy tells Mickey how Ian is doing if Mickey asks, only if he asks, which he hardly ever does. 


	4. I Hate Myself for Loving You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ian's coming home soon. Mickey's still dealing...or not dealing.

Mickey comes down from upstairs and sits down at the bar. His smaller frame hiding behind the incredibly large man in the stool next to him. Kevin hasn’t noticed Mickey’s presence yet. Mickey has been quiet a lot more lately so he doesn’t blame Kev for not being aware of him yet.

The entrance to the bar opens and Lip Gallagher comes through. Kev bypasses Mickey to yell a greeting to the oldest Gallagher son.

“Hey Lip, man. What’s up?”

“Eh same old. Shot, Kev?”

“Sure, man. What of?”

“Dunno whatever your strongest shit is.”

“Sure.”

Kevin pours Lip’s shot which Lip takes right away. He winces slightly at the burning on the back of his throat.

“So how goes school and all that shit?” Kevin asks.                             

“It goes,” Lips says as he places the shot glass on the table.

“Another?” Kev points to the empty glass.

“Nah. Beer?”

“Sure.” Kev pours Lip his beer as he continues to ask him questions. “So how’s everything else? How’s Ian?”

Lip sighs. “I don’t know. The bills from the hospital are really stacking up. Don’t know what we’re going to do.”

Mickey bites his lip, hiding himself more behind the man as to not be seen by Ian’s brother.

“Fuck man. You know if you guys needed any help with that shit me and V could-“

“Nah, Kev. You two got enough shit to worry about without us taking money from you.”

Kev sighs and nods as Lip takes a large gulp of his beer.

“You umm been in to see him?” Kevin asks.

Lip shakes his head as he swallows his drink. “Been busy. School and shit. Figured he be out soon anyway. No point now.”

Kevin nods not quite understanding but letting it go.  Lip finishes his beer as him and Kev talk a little more. Kevin cleaning some glasses. No one sees the short, brunette man staring into his empty glass.

Eventually Lip leaves after his second glass of beer, trying to give Kev the cash for it but the bar owner brushes his hand away, letting Lip have his drinks on the house.

Kevin turns around smiling after Lip says some tasteless remark upon leaving the bar. He finally notices Mickey.

“Shit Mickey. Didn’t see you there.”

“Yeah. I could tell,” he nods towards the door. “Helped myself to two more of these while you were chatting away.”

“You were sitting there the whole time?”

Mickey nods, giving Kevin a sarcastic smile.

“Fuck,” Kevin says pushing his hair back. “So you heard all that about…”

“Yup.”

“Shit, man. I wouldn’t have asked any of that if I knew you were there.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Mickey says finishing off his last beer.

“What happened between you two? I mean you guys seemed-“

“It’s none of your fucking business.” Mickey gets up from the barstool and takes out his cash as he throws the amount for the 3 beers on the counter and leaves.

On the way home he calculates his pay for his business and other incoming money deals and subtracts the expenses he has to deal with.

 

The next morning a fully sober Mickey enters the bar to Kevin drying out glasses.

“If I ask you to do something you promise you won’t tell anyone about it?” Mickey hurriedly asks.

“What?”  

“If I fucking ask you to do something for me you promise to not run your mouth to someone about it?” Mickey says more sternly.

“Sure. I guess. I mean is it legal. I can’t be dealing with more illegal shit in here man in case there some sort of inspection or whatever.” Kevin starts.

“Inspect-no, no yeah it’s legal, Jesus.”

“What do you need?” Kevin asks throwing the dishtowel over his shoulder.

“Just take this,” Mickey says handing him an envelope. “And keep it in a safe place this time. Not in a fucking keg.”

“Alright.” Kev takes the envelope from Mickey, eyeing him curiously.

“I’ll let you know what to do with it later. In case I change my mind or some shit.”

Kevin nods, not saying anything else.

Mickey heads up the stairs to make sure everything is running smoothly up there. Kev opens the envelope, even more confused when inspecting its contents. He sighs and goes in the back to hide it in a “safe” place.

 

 

 

 

“You know Ian’s getting out soon” Mandy says a few days later as she approaches the doorway of Mickey’s room.

“That’s nice,” Mickey says trying to sound unaffected as the beating of his heart quickens.

“He seems to be doing better,” Mandy leans against the doorframe.

“Ah well. Good for him,” Mickey gives Mandy an annoyed look as he walks past her.

“He really misses you,” She lets out following her brother after a few moments of uneasy silence.

“Sure he does,” Mickey rummages through a few drawers in the kitchen looking for something. “I probably had a better ass than that blonde fucker,” Mickey says.

“You know it’s more than just that,” Mandy walks closer to Mickey about to put her hands on his shoulder in an attempt to get him to listen to her.

                               
“Whatever,” Mickey says turning around and walking towards the living room for his jacket, finding it on the couch.

“Look I know you don’t want to talk about it…”

“Good, then. We done here?” Mickey asks, raising his eyebrows. He walks toward the door to the house. Mandy behind him.

“I know what he did was bad.”

Mickey scoffs reaching to open the door.

“But shit, Mickey. I mean” Mandy sighs. “You have no idea how sorry he is about it.”

Mickey opens the door and steps outside.

“He loves you.” She says almost solemnly.

“Fuck him.”

“Mickey…”

“He’s better off without me anyway.” Mickey walks down the stairs.

“Someone’s been putting in extra cash up for his therapy. Lip doesn’t know who. Neither does Fiona.” She shouts down to him.

Mickey lights up a cigarette and takes it away from his mouth. “Ha probably some old fuck he jacked in the bathroom and told him it was love.”

Mickey storms off leaving Mandy standing alone in the cold as she watches her brother disappear.

 

It’s late that night and Mickey finds himself wandering around Boystown. He sees a kid who couldn’t have been much more than 16 years old.

Mickey strides over to him, about to throw him some line when he takes in the kid’s features. His soft face that reminds him too much of Ian’s, His goofy smile that is comparable of the one Ian used to have by the childlike manner in which it was given to the brunette. Fuck the kids eyes even shine like Ian’s.

 So instead he finds a guy around 30 who doesn’t remind Mickey a bit of Ian except maybe in height.  Mickey pounds his dick into the man per his request. Mickey doesn’t moan or groan like he used to with Ian. The man cums and Mickey pulls out as soon as he feels the man’s body tense around his dick, not getting off himself.

“I can suck you off?” The guy offers. “To finish you.”

Mickey eyes the guy, annoyed and pulls up his pants.

“Or just a handjob?” The man offers some more as he crawls over to Mickey, his hands reaching up towards Mickey’s cock.  Mickey pushes himself away from the guy and finds his way out of the room, slamming the door behind him.

He finishes himself off in a nearby bathroom unsuccessfully resisting the urge to think about a certain redhead as he does so.

He arrives home a few hours later. He lost track of time somewhere midway through his third beer and buying his fifth. He opens the door forcefully, letting it close behind him.

“Fuck you been?” Mandy asks, concerned, peering over to him from watching the tv.

Mickey ignores her as he throws his jacket on the kitchen table and makes his way to the bathroom.

He empties his bladder into the toilet, surprising himself that he didn’t miss.  He looks over at the pile of magazines next to him as he zips himself up. He kicks over the stack and fishes through the pile to find it. When he finally does he flips to the familiar page, finding the picture exactly as he left it.

He takes it out and forces himself to look at it. Feeling tightness in his throat and around his heart he never thought he was weak enough to feel. His face grows angry as he traces his hand over the pale, familiar face. His hands move to the top of the picture and he pinches the paper between his fingers. He pulls downwards tearing the picture in half. He tears it 3 or 4 more times. He thinks about burning it but in his state didn’t want to risk starting a fire so instead he tears at it more.

He keeps tearing the pieces until there is nothing left to tear and he’s left with a mess of small, confetti-like papers surrounding him on the floor.


	5. Home is Where the Heart Is

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ian finally comes home.

 Ian comes home from the hospital a few weeks later receiving a hug from each Gallagher as soon he gets through the door. They give him uneasy smiles as they let him in to unpack his things. Lip is missing but with promise from Fiona he’d be home later. Ian nods politely when she tells him as he goes up the steps to his bedroom.

“Oh Lip let you have his if you’d like,” Fiona says to him when he’s midway up the stairs.

“Oh okay.”

“Just if you know. If you’d rather. You don’t have to.” Fiona looks unsure how to say things around him. Ian hates that.

Ian gives her a reassuring smile. “It’d actually be nice to have my own room. Thanks.”

She smiles back. “Of course.”

Ian sighs as he finishes his trip upstairs and plants his bag on the large queen size bed. He sits down on the edge of the bed, picking at the skin on the sides of his fingernails. As soon as his mind starts to wander his thoughts are interrupted by his younger sister sliding by his door and greeting him, again.

“Hey so see you took Lips offer.”

“Ha yeah,” Ian looks around the room and smiles back to Debbie.

“Fiona has lunch ready if you wanted some.”

“Oh sure. Be down in a minute.”

Debbie hesitates a moment before saying “okay” and giving another, almost too bright, a smile. Ian isn’t really hungry but he can’t exactly tell them that. He’s afraid they’ll figure something is up.  So instead he takes his clothes and other belongings he was allowed to have out of his bag and starts putting them into drawers. He’s done with this chore within minutes but he waits to go downstairs anyway.  He looks at his phone and opens it, hovering over a name he was told by that person to never call again. He bites his lip and sighs as he throws the phone down on the bed and makes his way back downstairs.

 

Lip comes by later that evening for dinner greeting Ian with a simple pat on the shoulder and a “good to see you, man” which is about what Ian expected would happen. Lip has a whispered argument with Fiona in the living room after dinner about staying a few days (or just a night) as Ian pretends not to try to listen in from the kitchen.

“I got class shit to do.” Lip says walking back into the kitchen and grabbing the bag he came with.

“Its summer,” Carl says from his place at the table.

“Thanks, smartass,” Lips says to Carl. “Just figured I’d sign up for my classes early, get some of the books so I can read them before I start up again. You know. Get more of a feel for the campus and the college experience.”

“The college experience?” Debbie asks.

“Yeah you know. Didn’t get out there this past semester with everything that was going on here.”  

“Lip I think you should stay here for at least a few-,” Fiona starts to say but is interrupted by Ian.

“Where you staying?”

“With Amanda. Her uh parents got her an apartment near campus.”

“Lip I-,“ Fiona starts again.

“Look I’ll come home in a few weeks or so. I’ll probably get bored of the area in about a week, week and a half,” Lip smiles.

Fiona just sighs.

“Have fun playing house with Amanda,” Ian remarks.

Lip laughs. “Whatever, man. See ya later?”

Ian nods, smiling as Lip walks out the door.

 

Ian hangs out with the rest of his family late into the night even though his desire to go back in his room since dinner had ended was clear to him. He wants to make his family feel comfortable with him being home even though he wants nothing more but to be alone right now.

Finally Fiona gets up from her spot on the sofa, wakes a sleeping Carl, and nudges a droopy eyed Debbie.

“Bed, guys,” She says.  

Both moan as they utter a goodnight to Ian, somewhat hidden behind their yawns.

Ian says goodnight back.

“You want me to leave this on?” Fiona asks pointing to the tv.

“Nah,” Ian shakes his head. “I’m right behind you.”

He watches Fiona and the kids go up the stairs and sits there in the darkness for a moment before following them. He’s about to enter his room when Fiona peaks her head out of hers.

“Hey,” she says. “It’s nice to have you back home.”

“Yeah,” Ian smiles. “Nice to uh… be back.”

Fiona grins. “Night.”

“Night.”

He closes his door gently and turns on the light. He finds his spot on the bed he was in earlier and sits down. He hesitates to look at his phone. Maybe there was a God in this goddamn universe and he’d open it to find a text from Mickey telling him he’d thought things through and he forgave him or some shit. Fuck even a “call me, shitface” would’ve been like heaven to Ian. But instead he sees a blank background screen with nothing but the time and date on it. He decides to turn his phone off to resist the temptation of looking at it and tosses it on his nightstand.   He runs his hands down his face and through his hair. _Yeah_. He thinks. _Home._ This place wasn’t his home. At least not for a long time. His home wasn’t even place at all. It was a person. His home was an existence that he himself burned down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the title made this sound so positive haha i'm so sorry.   
> I'll fix it eventually.


	6. I'm Dying To Live Without You Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kevin tries to talk to Mickey. Ian is dealing with being back home.

The next morning Ian grabs his breakfast, a bowl of his favorite cereal, which non-coincidentally happens to be the only cereal they had. Fiona soon joins him along with Debbie and Liam, Carl deciding to sleep in. Ian skips the coffee Fiona offers him and Debbie pours herself a cup instead after putting Liam on his high chair. A few minutes later Lip comes in through the front door. Ian eyes him curiously.

“Forgot some stuff I wanted at Amanda’s apartment,” Lip claims.

Ian nods, crunching his cereal.

“Here. Mail.” Lips says to Fiona as he hands her the stack of envelops and taking a seat next to Liam.

“Oh great,” Fiona says sarcastically, riffling through them. “Bills. Bills. Oh look! Bills.” She takes one of the envelopes and opens it.  “Hmm that’s weird,” She says reading through the paper several times over.

“What’s that?” Lip asks.

“The bill for the…therapy,” Fiona nudges towards Ian.

“They overcharge you?” Ian asks.

“No it’s not that. It’s…”

“What?”

“It’s been paid for.”

“Again?” Lip asks turning towards his older sister.

“What do you mean again?” Ian asks.

“Ah well when you were still inside we got another anonymous donation,” Lip gets up and walks over towards Fiona, giving his own look at the paper she had been holding.

“You think it’s a mistake?” Fiona asks.

“Well don’t correct them if it is,” Lip says. “You think maybe Jimmy’s dad?” Lip asks turning to Ian.

“Ha nah. There’s no way,” Ian says.

“Another rich old dude then?” Lip laughs.

Ian rolls his eyes. “Yeah maybe.” He looks down at his half eaten bowl of cereal, no longer feeling hungry.

 

 

 

At the Alibi the same day Mickey enters the bar.

“Hey, Mick,” Kevin greets as he pours Mickey a shot he knows Mickey will order. Mickey just nods and accepts his drink. He slams it down and gestures for another one.

“You hear Ian’s out.”

Mickey sighs. “Yup.”

“You gonna see him?”

“Nope.”

“I don’t get it, man.”

“Nothing to get.”

Kevin breathes in, exasperated. “You should tell them.”

“Tell who what?”

“The Gallaghers. About the money.”

“I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about.”

“Oh come on, Mickey. The money that you have me keep locked away and help pay for Ian’s bills.”

“Look,” Mickey says getting closer to Kevin. “I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about and I’m sure if I did know I would’ve told you to keep your fucking mouth shut about it.”

Kevin holds his hands up in defense. “I’m just saying…”

Mickey tries to ignore him, pinching the bridge of his nose.

“I’m saying maybe if they knew about it whatever mistake you might’ve made with Ian could be forgiven-“

Mickey laughs bitterly. “What did you say to me?”

“Look man I’m just trying to help.”

“Well don’t. And why the fuck does everyone think it’s something I did?”

“What?”

Mickey shakes his head. “Nothing. It’s nothing.”

“Micke-“

“I gotta get to work.” Mickey slams his shot glass down on the counter and gets up walking up the stairs to the back of the bar.

 

 

 

 

 

The next day in the mid-afternoon Ian has had about enough of being cooped up in the house. He swears he’s been asked if he “needs anything” or if he’s “okay” 50 times since he’s been back and it’s killing him. There’s nothing to do in the house he comes to realize early on. Everyone is sitting quietly around him trying not to bother him. Ian is on his 3rd turn flipping through the channels on the tv when he just gives up and turns it off. He wipes his hand down his face and gets up quickly. He checks his pockets for his cell phone and wallet.

“I’m gonna head out.”

Fiona and Debbie sit up straight.

“Uhh well. Where are you going?”

“I don’t know just walking around.”

“Ummm I-“

“It’s alright Fi. I’m not going to do anything crazy.”

“I didn’t think-“

“I just want to get outside for a little bit. Maybe see Mandy. I’ll be back later.”

Fiona exhales seeing Ian’s desperation she agrees. “Alright but call me when you get to Mandy’s or in an hour or so just so I know.”

Ian smiles. “Will do.”

He heads out the door and breathes in the fresh air.

“Thank you, God.”

Ian wanders around a little bit trying to avoid thinking about Mickey, though he’s been trying to for a while now and can’t seem to succeed. He eventually decides to head over to the Milkovich home.

Ian hesitates before knocking on the door. After his third knock Mandy answers, her eyes wide.

“Ian?”

“Hey, Mandy.” Ian smiles. She pulls him in for a hug.

“What are you doing here?”

“Had to get out of the house for a while. Wanted to see you.” Mandy grins. They look at each other for a few moments before Ian’s happy face falters.

“Is he…is he here?”

Mandy’s face falls with Ian’s. “Honestly, I don’t know where he is most of the time anymore,” She says sadly. “He kinda just wanders around.”

“Can I come in?”

“I…I don’t know, Ian.”

“Please Mandy?”

Mandy nods and apprehensively moves out of the way for Ian to come through the door frame.

“Wait,” She says to him before she goes off to check Mickey’s bed, hoping that this was one of the few times she didn’t find him passed out in it, bottle of whiskey on the nightstand. She finds his room empty.

Mandy walks back over to Ian, allowing him to come in the house further. “I don’t know when he’s going to be back but I know he’s not going to be happy seeing you here.”

Mandy’s words hurt Ian more than he was expecting. Ian sits down at the kitchen table.

“Mandy I…”

Just then the door opens and closes quickly. It could be Iggy or Colin but they both come to the conclusion as to who it is when a soft moan is heard and the person rushes into the room, their face visibly exhausted from whatever happened the night before. 

Mickeys stops in his tracks at seeing Ian sitting in his kitchen and his sister standing to his side.

“Oh shit,” Mandy says, causing Ian to look up at him.

 “Mick…”

Mickey stares from Mandy to Ian a mix between shocked and angry.

“Mickey…” Ian says as he starts to get up.

Mickey swallows hard, trying not to show emotion. A skill he happened to have perfected before Ian came along but now…well let’s just say he was failing a bit.

Mickey snarls as he shakes his head. “Fuck you.” He turns around quickly and heads for the door.

“Mickey wait!” Ian yells desperately as he goes to follow Mickey out the door.  Mandy stops him from going further.

“Let him go,” She says holding her hand up to Ian’s chest.   
“But I…”

“Just,” She brings Ian back inside. She sighs. “Look maybe he’ll come around maybe he won’t’ but you just have to give him more time. You can’t just.” Mandy looks sadly at Ian.  “I don’t know if you should come back here.”

“What?”

“I just don’t think it’d be a good idea, Ian.”

“What I can’t even see you anymore?”

“Ian…”

“You two were the only ones who didn’t treat me like…” Ian can’t finish his sentence. Mandy walks over to him.

“I’m not saying we can’t see each other. Just not here. I’ll go to your house instead.”

“My house?” Ian looks sad. “I hate it there.”

“You don’t mean that.”

“No everyone treats me so different. So careful like I’m an infant. Can’t say anything bad to Ian. Can’t joke around with Ian it might set him off. Fuck! I’m not a little fragile kid that’s going to break over some stupid…” Ian exhales, not finishing his sentence out of frustration. He sits back down.

“I know Ian.”

“You and Mickey were the only ones that treated me like I was the same person.”

“You are.”

“Not to them. You guys didn’t act like you were walking on glass when you were around me. Made me feel like everything was alright or would be.” He looks at Mandy and she gives him a small smile.

He turns away from her. “Then I fucked it all up.”

Mandy puts her hand on Ian’s back. “We’ll figure something out.”

Ian shakes his head and gets up. “Nah. It’s... I’m sorry I stopped by. I should go. I’ll see you.”

“Ian wait.” Mandy walks over to Ian, grabbing his arm.

“It’s okay. I’ll call you. Maybe we can meet somewhere else.”

“Sure.” She says letting go. “Ian you’re gonna be okay.” She tries to assure him.

“Yeah.” He says, not believing her. He leaves the house and heads home, resisting the temptation to go to the Alibi and see if Mickey’s there.


	7. I Don't Want You To Leave Will You Hold My Hand

Ian does just what Mandy told him to. He avoids The Alibi, he avoids the Milkovich home. He gives Mickey his space. He acts like a good patient to his doctors, takes his meds, lies about how well he’s adjusting to being back home. He hangs out with Debbie and Carl, when they’re home, and watches Liam so they don’t have to worry about paying for daycare. Mandy comes over a few times a week. She talks about her job, some new people she’s getting to know. She doesn’t mention Mickey. Ian’s not sure if he’s grateful or saddened. Maybe both. It also causes Ian to question if Mickey found someone else. Is that why Mandy was avoiding the subject? It’s not until about a month after Ian’s return home that he can’t take it anymore. It was Mandy’s second visit that week, the first being a brief stop by before work.  They finish a conversation about Ian reenrolling in school and so Ian figures _why the fuck not. Get one hard conversation out of the way why not another._ Ian nods his head to Mandy’s well thought out reasons as to why he should return to high school.

“Just think about it, okay?” She ends the argument. _Don’t be a dumbass like my brother._ She would have ended it had Ian and Mickey still been together. Ian felt the unspoken words anyway.

There’s a small somewhat awkward silence between the two of them for a few minutes before Ian clears his throat.

“So… uhh…”

Mandy looks at Ian curiously.

“How is-“, Ian takes a deep breath, “How is he?”

Mandy’s face immediately saddens, knowing Ian too well to even question who he was talking about.

“Was wondering how long it’d take you till you asked me that again,” She crosses and uncrosses her legs. Ian looks down. “You should get reward or something for holding out so long,” she tries to joke.

 Ian looks up at her, waiting.

Mandy sighs. “Mickey is…Mickey. Drinks a lot, smokes a lot, yells a lot. When he’s home he’s in his room. Comes out for meals. Spends the rest of his time at The Alibi.”

Ian nods. “He…with anyone else?”

“Ian…”

“I just…I mean…”

“No he’s not,” Mandy leans back on the couch. “Not that he’d tell me if he was.”

“How do you know then?” Ian asks staring forward.

“I could tell.”

“He fuck anyone else?” Ian asks bluntly, turning to Mandy.

“I doubt it,” She almost laughs then thinks for a moment. “There was this one time he was out really late into the morning. Came home drunk off his ass. If he fucked someone he sure as hell didn’t enjoy it.”

Ian bites his lip and looks down, feeling ashamed for being relieved. Ian wants to ask more questions but is interrupted when Kevin and Fiona come rushing through the door.

“Take it!” Fiona yells after Kevin.

“It’s not mine, Fiona.”

“Come on, Kev. We don’t need your goddamn charity.”

“I told you. It’s not mine,” Kevin says as he goes over to the fridge to grab a beer. Ian and Mandy follow, hanging around the kitchen doorframe to listen in.

“Then how do you explain how all of Ian’s shit is getting paid for from money that looks to be coming from you? Is that not your signature on the check?”

Ian comes into the kitchen letting his and Mandy’s presence be known. Fiona and Kevin continue their argument too wrapped up in it to pay attention Mandy and Ian.

“Yes it’s mine but the money’s not.”

“Then whose is it?’

Kevin looks into his beer, “I can’t say.”

“Why the fuck not?”

“It’s an uh anonymous donation.”

“From who?”

“Someone at the Alibi.”

Fiona rubs her eyes, frustrated. “Kev who gave you this money?”

“I promised him I wouldn’t tell.”

Fiona sighs “I can’t be owing people money here.”

“I don’t think that’s why he’s giving it.”

“You said someone at the Alibi.” Ian says. Fiona looks over at him. Ian walks to them. “Can I see that?” He asks pointing to the check in Fiona’s hand.

 Fiona apprehensively hands him the check. Ian looks it over. “Just take the money, Fi,” he says handing the check back to her.

Fiona looks at Ian who nods at Kevin, trying to read him. Kevin swallows his beer harshly.

Fiona sighs and accepts the check. “Well tell whoever it is…Thank you.”

Kevin nods. “Will do.” He smiles and checks his watch. “Shit got to get to work.” He hands the beer to Fiona. “Tell V I have to work a double today.” He says behind him as he exits the Gallagher house.

 

It takes Ian a minute before he decided to follow. Call it a hunch-a really strong hunch- but one Ian needs some sort of confirmation on.

Ian closes the front door relieved to find Kevin still there.

“It’s Mickey isn’t it?”

Kevin looks up from lighting his cigarette, looking at Ian quizzically.

“He’s been giving you the money?” Ian clarifies, though Kevin didn’t need it anyway.

“I can’t say.” Kevin says but his uneasy look when Ian mentioned Mickey gave it away.

“Why?” Ian lets out. He doesn’t mean to.

Kevin looks away and sighs. Figuring he didn’t technically tell Ian he shakes his head and continues. “I don’t know, man. Anytime I try to mention you he walks away or stares at me and tells me to fuck off.”

Ian smiles at both the confirmation and the familiar crude way Mickey spoke. His smile soon disappears though.

Kevin looks at him sadly. “You tried talking to him?”

“Yeah. Few times.”

Kevin nods. “I’m sure he’ll come around.”

“Yeah. I’m not so sure about that.”

“Really messed him up huh?”

“Yeah… Yeah you could say that.” Ian rubs the back of his head.

“Sorry I…uh he may’ve let some stuff spill.”

Ian nods.

“I should get to The Alibi.”

“Oh yeah. Right sorry.”

“No problem,” Kevin turns to go. “Oh hey,” He turns back around. “You should stop by sometime. I’ll get you a drink on the house.”

Ian smiles politely. “Thanks. Yeah maybe I will.”

“Good.” Kevin turns around again to head to the bar. “See you around.”

 

 

It’s later that night (Kevin had started his second shift) and Ian can’t get it off his mind. Mickey anonymously paying for his psych bills after what he did? Determination starts to brew in Ian again. He’ll talk to Mickey. Fuck he’ll talk to Mickey tonight. There has to be a reason he was doing this. It means he still cares, means he doesn’t hate him enough to give up on him…maybe.

Ian decides to head off to The Alibi and if Mickey isn’t there according to Mandy that must mean he’s at his house and Ian will just head over there. He’ll sneak in if he has to.

It’s 1:30 am when Ian storms through The Alibi.

“Hey, Ian.” Kevin greets him. “Come for that drink?”

“He here?” Ian asks, rushing.

“Uh yeah. Upstairs.”

Ian walks away from the stool in front of Kevin. “but I-“

Ian walks quickly to the back before Kevin can finish his sentence.

“Ian wait you can’t- Ah shit…”

“You want me to get him?” A big man at the bar asks.

“Nah it’s alright. Let him go.”

 

There are small yells from the girls as Ian makes his way upstairs unwelcomed.

“You’re not allowed up here. We come get you,” One of the girls yells at him.

“I’m not here for that,” he says pushing past her to more yelling and screaming coming from the women.

“Jesus Christ. The fuck is all that noise for?” Mickey comes out yelling from a separate room. Ian’s pulse quickens at hearing Mickey’s voice. Fuck he never realized how much he missed that voice. He wants to smile but when Mickey gets closer and his eyes gloss over Ian, looking him up and down, sneering, Ian realizes smiling isn’t the best choice in the situation.

“What the fuck?” Mickey mutters almost to himself.

“He come up. He come up without paying!” The same girl from earlier walks over to Mickey and yells in his face.

“Christ we need some fucking security guys or some shit.”

“You supposed to be security!” She yells some more.

“Yes thanks for that, Miss Fucking Obvious.” Mickey glances at her. Then back at Ian whose eyes move to the floor.

“What we do? Get Kev?” She asks.

“Get out.” Mickey says quickly.

Ian looks up thinking Mickey means him.

“What?” the girl asks.

“Go on break.”

“Who?”

“All of you. Get a drink from downstairs or whatever I don’t give a shit.” The women look at each other and shrug as they head downstairs.

Mickey crosses his arms and stares as Ian as the girls leave.

“The fuck you want?” He says to Ian harshly.

Ian looks up and swallows. “I uh… I needed to see you.”

Mickey scoffs and turns away, walking back to the room he came from. Ian follows.

“Thought I told you to stay away?”

“Yeah…maybe.” There’s uneasy quiet between them. Ian breaks it again. “I just…wanted to talk.”

“So talk.” Mickey says back still to Ian.

 “Could you at least look at me?” Ian begs 

Mickey turns around and finally looks at him.

There is a long silence. Ian tries to find the words he wants to say. Mickey is waiting, staring Ian down with hate in his eyes.

“What the fuck could you possibly say that you haven’t already tried to say to make what you did better?”

“I know it was you.” Ian decides to just get to the point of him coming here right away. Not calculating correctly how painful this was.

“What was?” Mickey questions.

“The money we’ve been getting. It was you.”

“I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about.”

“Kev told me.” Ian lets out.

Mickey’s jaw tightens. “Are you fucking kidding me? Shoulda known he couldn’t keep his goddamn mouth shut.”

“I mean I guessed he just sort of confirmed.”

“Fucking asshole.” Mickey mutters.

Ian breathes in. “Look I know none of what I did was right and I’ll apologize to you until my throat bleed and it still wouldn’t be enough-“

“Probably not.” Mickey says bluntly.

Mickey small confession hurts Ian but he continues. “But I know you wouldn’t be doing what you’re doing if you didn’t still-“ Ian can’t get the words out.

Mickey’s cold stare falters briefly before turning dark again.

“What?” Mickey asks. “Still give a shit about you?” He laughs darkly. “Look,” Mickey says putting a cigarette into his mouth and lighting it, his hand shaking slightly not noticeable to Ian. “I’m only paying for that shit cause I’m probably the reason you’re fucked up.”

It’s a lie and a dumb excuse for one. Mickey turns away from Ian again careful to keep his unemotional demeanor, something he couldn’t do if Ian could see him fucking crying.

“What are you saying?” Ian manages to let out. Mickey closes his eyes. God Ian’s desperation in his voice was killing Mickey. “That you don’t…”

_Still care?_

Mickey turns back to Ian. He doesn’t know why. He was doing so well at pretending to not care. Ian stare at Mickey and finally takes him in fully for the first time since he saw him after the incident. His exhausted eyes from lack of sleep and finding solace in a bottle of alcohol or several, red rimmed and puffy. Water subtly forming in them, only for Mickey to blink them back and bite his lip. “It’s not true though is it?” Ian realizes.

Mickey pinches the bridge of his nose and looks away. “This is bullshit.” He says quietly.

“What?”

“This is bullshit.” Mickey says louder.

“I-I don’t…”

“You were always busting my balls about not showing my feelings and shit and wanting this and wanting that. So what do I do? I fight against every instinct I had telling me not to for you. I-,” Mickey stops suddenly. His face hardens as he swallows. He turns away again.

“You what?” Ian asks walking closer to him.

“Forget it” Mickey says walking away.

Ian follows. “Mickey, you what?”

“I said forget it!” Mickey yells still not turned to Ian.

“Talk to me. Please. Shit just yell at me. Scream at me. Call me a fucking asshole or whatever just… just please.”

Mickey picks up random objects near him and fiddles with them as Ian goes on trying to avoid his gaze cause he just might…. He just might confess everything and call Ian an asshole and a dick and scream at him and yell but after the screaming and yelling has died down and everything gets out in the open he’ll let Ian back in. And Mickey just isn’t sure if he can do that. If he could trust again.

Ian moves around to Mickey to get the dark haired man to look at him.

“I don’t want you to push me away.” Ian begs.

“Yeah well we can’t always get what we want.” Mickey says, not necessarily angry, not necessarily anything really. There’s silence between them again for a while.

“I need you to go.” Mickey says as he throws down what was in his hand and turns to Ian who is now nodding his head sadly. Defeated.

“So I guess this is goodbye then?” Ian says quietly.

Mickey shrugs indifferently. “Guess so.”

“I uh…” Ian snivels. “I just…I love you.” He lets out tears rolling out of his eyes. “And I’m sorry.”

Mickey’s eyes dart down to the ground and anywhere but Ian’s direction. He’d break if he looked at him. “I just wanted you to know that.” Ian says turning away from Mickey. Ian quickly wipes at his face and clears his throat. “I’ll go.”

Mickey nods, squeezing his mouth tight in an attempt to keep whatever tears or emotions wanted to come out inside him. Mickey hears the sound of Ian’s feet hitting the steps slowly as he exits the room.

“Don’t.” Mickey says to the now empty space.

 

Don’t say sorry.

Don’t love me.

Don’t go.


	8. Black & Blue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> only one more chapter after this :)
> 
> most likely

 It’s about a week or so later, Mickey hasn’t slept much since his encounter with Ian. Well since he already wasn’t sleeping much he basically wasn’t sleeping at all. The only thing that kept him functional at work was coffee, alcohol, and the occasional blunt he shared with Kev on slow nights.

It’s after he leaves after a not so slow night at The Alibi, his exhaustion mixing with the alcohol causes him to almost land a fist in his face from an unknown attacker. The fucker missed, barely.

“What the fuck?”

The person comes at Mickey again. This time successfully hitting him in the jaw. It was a shitty throw but Mickey felt the burn of it anyway. Before the assailant is able to land another one Mickey grabs him and throws him away from him. The man stumbles under the street light and Mickey’s able to see the person.

“You got to be fucking kidding me,” Mickey says to himself.

Lip Gallagher, not affected by Mickey’s roughhouse, runs back up to the brunette.

“You’re a piece of shit, Milkovich,” He says. “You know that?”

_Of course¸ Mickey knew that. He was told it his entire life._

“What are you on about?” Mickey says rolling his eyes.

“My brother, Ian. Or did you forget you two were a thing already?”

_Jesus Christ Mickey did not have the time or the energy for this bullshit._

“If you didn’t give half a shit about him why did you make him feel you did? What pleasure did you get from that?” Lip yells at him.

“You don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about.” Mickey says as he tries to move past Lip but the older Gallagher boy blocks him.

“Oh what are you going to do? Beat me up?”

Lip snarls at him. “You ruined his fucking life.” Lip says to him voice full of disgust. “But you probably don’t care do you.” It was more of a declaration than a question.

Mickey wants to laugh at the irony. Of fucking course he cares about Ian, loves him actually. That’s why this whole situation was so goddamn painful. _Fuck it._ Mickey thinks. _He’s already in this thanks to Lip._

“You think I don’t care about him?” Mickey asks Lip, pointing to himself. “You think I went through all this shit and stood by his side for what? For fun? If you think that’s the case then man you have a fucked up idea of what fun is.”

It’s Lip’s turn to be confused.

“You know…,” Mickey starts. “For once, For once I didn’t fuck up. But then it got fucked up anyway.”

“What are you saying?”

“I’m saying that you and whatever other fucking person wants to get in our business needs to get the facts straight before you go attacking people.”

“You mean Ian…”

“Fucked someone else. Yeah.” Mickey blurts out.

“Why would he?”

“The fuck should I know. All of his explanations have been shit. Even if they weren’t…doesn’t change anything.”

“Shit.”

Mickey sighs “but hey you never liked me with him anyway so guess you got your way.”

Lip looks down “Yeah well believe it or not I prefer you with him than those assholes I see him with that are more than twice his age.”

Mickey laughs slightly.

"I haven't exactly been the best brother to him recently. And I know I wasn't there for him last time and well...”

“Feeling a little guilty huh?”

“You could say that.”

Mickey pulls out his packet of cigarettes and offers Lip a light, who takes one.

"So you figured you uh come over here and beat the shit out of me in defense of Ian's good name?"

Lip laughs. “Guess not. Didn't really think it through."

"No shit. You need to work on your punches, man."

"Hey I landed one."

"Yeah. Barely. On a better day for me you wouldn't have even gotten that one in." They joke around.

After a while Lip awkwardly clears his throat.

“Look I don’t’ expect you to forgive him or anything I just..." Lip looks around him. He runs his hand through his thick hair trying to stall continuing.  "He um won’t take his pills. Claims he doesn’t need them. Fiona says you were the only one who could get him to take some of Monica's."  

Mickey's face softens at this reveal and remembering coercing Ian. 

"Yeah he was a pain in the ass about that.”

Lip nods. “Look I know it’s probably hard and I did kind of blame you for what happened but uhh… would you be able to come over or something. Talk him into taking them?”

Mickey looks down and swallows hard. “I’m sorry I can’t. I just…”

Lip brushes his suggestion away. “No yeah. I understand. We’ll figure out something. Thanks anyways”

Lip turns to walk away.

“Hey.” Mickey calls out. Lip turns back around. “He used to tell me he didn’t need them all the time if you uh hide them in brownies or something he’s more likely to take them that way. Worked a few times. But that’s the uh best I can do.” Mickey suggests. He then laughs reminiscing. “And if it does work he’ll just end up taking them willingly. I couldn’t decide if it was because he knew what I was doing or just wanted me to stop making brownies.”

Lip laughs as well then thinks. “Brownies? Never took Ian for a sweet tooth.”

“Yup brownies or anything you can hide a pill or two in really.”

 “Alright. Worth a try. Thanks.”

“Sure.” Mickey smiles politely.

“You want me to keep you posted?” Lip asks as Mickey starts to walk away.

He’s about to tell Lip no but changes his mind midway through getting the word out. “Sure. Just I mean if something bad or if…you know.”

“Yeah. Thanks again. And sorry about the uhh..." Lip motions to Mickey's face.

"Forget it," Mickey says. "Didn't feel it anyway."

"Right." Lip laughs before leaving Mickey alone in the dark street corner.

 

A few days later Mandy passes on a message to Mickey from Lip telling him thanks and that the brownie trick seems to be working.

 

About a week or so after that Lip stops by Milkovich house.

 

“Mandy here?” Lip asks hurriedly.

“Nah. Sorry you want me to leave her a message or something?” Mickey asks hanging outside the door.

Lip shakes his head. “That’s alright.”

Lip turns to head back where he came.

“Hey  um how’s your broth-…how’s Ian?” Mickey asks holding his bottle of whiskey away from his body.

“Ha really struggled with that one, huh?”

“Give me a break, man?”

“Right. He’s uhh…” Lip looks at the ground. “I don’t know. I mean what you told me to do worked for a good while.

 “But..?”

“I don’t know. He’s ben in bed for a few days. Claims he’s sick or something.”

“Well I mean that shit does happen. People get sick.”

“Yeah. I know. He could be but Fiona seems to think…well you know.”

“Well what do you think?”

“I’m not sure.”

“Maybe you’re just a shitty cook.”

“I’d agree but Debbie does most of the cooking now. Traded her for cleaning. Cooking’s not really my strong suit.”

Mickey bites his lip. “What about the pills? He still taking them?”

Lip scratches his head and stalls answering the question. Mickey swears it takes all he has to control himself and not shake Lip to give him answers quicker.

Lip looks up, face guilt ridden. “He stopped taking them again.”

“What? Why!?” Mickey says aggressively but not quite yelling.  

“Said they were hurting his stomach.”

“When was this?” Mickey asks calming himself.

“Few days ago.”

“Jesus. Well he’s probably lying can’t you…”

“I’m not going to force pills down my brother’s throat Mickey.”

 _Right of course not._ “Yeah,” Mickey scratches his nose and looks away.

“Look I didn’t mean to bother you with this.”

“Nah it’s fine. I’ll tell Mandy you came by.”

“Yeah thanks.”

Mickey nods to Lip as he walks away opposite from where he came.

Mickey goes inside and closes the door.  “Fuck! Fuckk!” He yells when he shuts the door. Luckily no one was home.

 

 

 

“He’s still not getting out of bed,” Fion tells Lip later that day. “I can’t tell if he’s really just sick or if it’s …you know. I mean that stomach thing has been going around.”

“Yeah.” Lip rubs his head. “Alright I’ll talk to him later. See if anything else is bothering him.”

Fiona smiles. “Yeah please. If it’s not the stomach flu then…”

“Yeah I know,” Lip says. He grabs his backpack and books from the kitchen table and exits the room.

 

 

 

Ian is curled up on his bed, facing the wall, and holding tightly on to his covers. He hears a small knock on his door frame and the sound of someone clearing their throat. _Fuck he just wanted to be left alone. Alone to think about what a shit he is_ _and how many good things there are in this world that he doesn’t deserve._ Ian closes his eyes and sighs.

“Lip I told Fiona. I just don’t feel well. It’s nothing.” Ian manages to get out.

“Not Lip.” The voice says.

Ian’s eyes go wide and he turns around slowly.

“M-Mickey?”


	9. If You Ever Enter My Mind. Stay There. You'll Live

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp this is it...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Mickey?” Ian looks up at the dark haired man, eyes wide but fall to the floor as soon as the shock of Mickey being there wears away.

“Yeah…” Mickey looks about the room, chewing his bottom lip.

 Ian moves to lay on his side. “You come for your stuff?” He asks.

 Mickey still avoids looking at Ian and can’t seem to answer.  

Ian rubs his eyes. “I uh… think I have one of your jackets in one of those drawers.” He says sadly as he points to the location he knew the jacket was. He thanks his past self for deciding to put it away a few nights ago and save himself the embarrassment of Mickey seeing him with it. “Other than that I don’t know I’ll have to look around. I’ll give it to Mandy or something so you don’t have to-“

“I’m not here about my fucking jacket.” Mickey interrupts, deciding to say something.

Ian is confused and Mickey still won’t’ look at him. “What then?”

“Wish I knew…” Mickey finally glances over at Ian for a fleeting second. Ian just nods and stares at the floor.

 

After a while Mickey clears his throat. “Lip uh…Lip told me you stopped taking them.” He says, knowing Ian is aware of what he means. Mickey is looking over at Ian now, blue eyes looking over the redhead who’s own eyes won’t pull away from staring at the ground.  

“So?” Ian asks.

“So? So you promised!”

Ian sinks further into his pillow closing his eyes briefly.

Mickey runs his hand down his face. “Shit. I didn’t…I’m not here to yell at you.” Mickey sighs and sits on the floor.

“I keep hurting you,” Ian says quietly. “I can’t do anything-“

“Stop,” Mickey shakes his head. He picks at the fray in his jean.

“Why’d you come, Mickey?” Ian moves slightly so his eyes are now on the man sitting near him though neither boys’ eyes are meeting the others’.

“Lip came by and told me-“ Mickey scratches his head. “I was umm”

“Worried?”

“Yeah. I guess.”

“Why?”

“Wh- Jesus Ian. Because you can't do this,” Mickey turns to Ian and stares at him, shocked at Ian’s disregard for his own self-worth. Ian still won’t look directly at him, ashamed.

"Do what?"

"Just give up on everything. You can't."

“Why not?”

“Because you can’t, alright! You worked so hard to…you can’t.”

_You can’t just give up._

Mickey intertwines his fingers and rest them on the back of his neck. He lowers his head to his chest.

“Why’d you stop taking them?” he asks, voice muffled.

“I don’t know.”

“Ian…”

Ian grips the sheets on his bed and pulls at the lose thread. “Didn’t think I deserved it.”

“Deserved what?” Mickey looks up at Ian.

“To be happy.” Ian admits

“Jesus Christ, Ian,” Mickey says sadly. “Of course you do.”

“How could you say that? After what I-,” Ian stops himself. He snivels and wipes his eyes quickly.

“You did a shitty thing. A really fucking shitty thing,” Mickey says “but you’re not a shitty person, Ian. Never were.”

Ian looks up at Mickey and their eyes meet, at last. Mickey’s look like he hasn’t slept in months. The bags under his eyes, though dark, do not dim the bright blue that still shine in them. And Ian’s though red rimed and puffy did not decolorize or change in complexity. The blues, greens, and browns still swim about and combine in his irises. They’re still the most beautiful things Mickey’s ever seen. And so are Mickey’s eyes to Ian.

Mickey is the first to break the silence. “Look I don’t know what I’m supposed to do here.”

“I don’t either.”

Mickey nods. Then after a few minutes asks. “You know that stuff you said to me the other day at the Alibi?”

“Um. Yea.” Ian pulls himself up, “Pretty vividly.”

“Yeah,” Mickey swallows. “I just…I wanted you to know that um…” He laughs uneasily. “Jesus”

“Mickey?”

“Look when you said that shit at the end,” Mickey scratches at his nose. “Before you left…”

“I said lot of shit, Mickey.”

“When you said that you…” Mickey breathes out sharply but Ian knows before Mickey tries to get the words out.

“Oh, yeah. Mickey you don’t have to.” Ian moves to try to sit up.

“I do.”

Ian stops moving, “You what?”

“I love you. I love you with all my piece of shit fucking heart.” His voice raises. “And I…” His voice falls again “and I fucking hate it. So much.”    

”Loving me?” Ian asks, trying to steady his breathing.

“No. Yeah. I don’t know.” Mickey rubs his eyes aimlessly.  “Makes hating you so much harder and what you did so much more painful.”

Ian sits up and leans against the wall that functions as a headboard.

“Every time I close my eyes I can’t stop seeing his fucking smug ass face and I just…” He looks up at Ian on the bed “It still hurts you know?”

“Yeah,” Ian sighs. This is it he thinks. The real goodbye. Maybe he’ll get a we-can-still-be-friends out of it. He looks away to the opposite side of the room.

“But, god, the truth is…I don’t want to love somebody else.”

Ian turns back around, “What do you mean?”

“I love you so much it kills me sometimes but I know,” Mickey stops momentarily as Ian’s eyes search Mickey. “ I know your face is still the first thing I want to see when I wake up. And I can’t forget what you did and maybe not even forgive but I love you too fucking much to let you go,” Mickey looks up at him and Ian’s eyes soften and look down. Mickey smiles slightly. “And part of me hates myself for that and the other part doesn’t give a shit.”

“Mickey-What’re you saying?”

“I’m saying… I’m saying I want, I want you again. I want us. Together.”

“You want to…”

“Start over or start again? I don’t know the correct way of…whatever.” Mickey looks at Ian.

“You…you sure?” Ian still can’t believe it.

“What you wanna back out now?” Mickey tries to joke.

Ian gives Mickey a small laugh. “No. No. Are you sure though?”

“I thought a lot about it and yeah. Yes.”

Ian smiles.  

“I wanna go slow though. For a little.”

“Of course”

Mickey smiles as well and looks about the room awkwardly. “It’s gonna take a bit before I want to ya know?”

Ian understands. Shit he wants to cry he’s so happy but he won’t. In case Mickey changes his mind he’d like to save himself some humility.

“But…” Mickey says as he moves closer to Ian.

Mickey leans in, unsure, about palm Ian’s hair but he hesitates. He then sighs and goes through with it. “Goddamn I missed you so much” he says as his hand grazes across Ian’s forehead and down his temple and jawline. Mickey kisses Ian’s forehead as Ian reaches his arm around him. “I missed you so much.” Mickey repeats.

Ian can’t stop crying as Mickey kisses his face, and Ian wraps his arms more tightly around Mickey. It’s a few moments of happy tears and warm kisses before Mickey pulls away. Ian looks up at him.

“First things first,” Mickey says as he gets up off the bed and searches the night stand near him.

 He holds up the pill bottles and grabs the water bottle from the nightstand. He hands the pill bottle to Ian knowing which one and how much he had to take. Ian sighs but smiles as he pours the correct amount into his hand and puts them in his mouth.

Mickey then unscrews and hands him the water bottle. Ian drinks and swallows. He hands the bottle back to Mickey.

Mickey grins in the carefree way like he used to and sets the water back on the nightstand.  He crawls over Ian and lays down on the other side of him. Ian scoots down further into the bed again as Mickey wraps his strong arm around Ian.

“Don’t ever try to pull that stupid shit of not taking those again,” Mickey warns. “Unless you want me to bake them in a pie and stuff them in your face myself.”

Ian laughs. “God no.” 

They both laughs as Mickey playfully hits Ian’s head.

He then moves his hand back to his position around Ian’s waist. “I love you,” He whispers in Ian’s ear again. Knowing today was the first time he said it but also knowing it won’t be his last.

“I love you too,” Ian whispers back to him and they both close their eyes. The rest getting the most peaceful sleep either of them has had in months.


End file.
